48 hrs to submitting Chapter Four...

I should get back to writing! I have about 10 pages to go and Chapter Four (of four) will be complete.  I submit it to my adviser on Aug. 31, then have two weeks to rework my intro, write a five page conclusion, edit chapters three and four, and format the whole thing! On top of this, I'm teaching at two colleges (four sections; two courses), but when you have to accomplish something, you just do!

So to motivate myself, here are a list of things I look forward to upon defending:

1. Never paying another semester bill at SUNY Binghamton
2. Returning 100+ books to two different libraries 
3. Seeing the surface of my dining room table, coffee table and nightstand
4. Watching bad TV without feeling guilty
5. Going for a hike without feeling guilty
6. Going out to dinner, a movie, a friend's house, a bar, a road trip, or Vegas with my girlfriends without feeling guilty!
7. Joking that I'm the kind of doctor that is of absolutely no use in an emergency situation
8. Having my students call me "Dr. Ray" for one class, then going back to "Susan"
9. Telling my husband it was worth it
10. Thanking my family for supporting me through this and actually coming through
11. Having this tremendous weight lifted off my shoulders

Okay! Sufficiently motivated, now back to work!

Still in the Game!

So a friend has reminded me that I haven't posted in 6 weeks and I'm horrified at how quickly time passes! We're established at the new place in Blue Bell and really happy here; it just absolutely feels right! Even the dog and cat seem pleased, though less enthusiastic about being permanently reunited.  I start teaching Composition & Business Writing at two colleges nearby and they have been amazing as well, both the people and the facilities and I look forward to meeting the students next week.

As for the dissertation! Chapter Three has been submitted, but I find myself struggling over Chapter Four, the final piece.  I've been told that things click towards the end, that you clearly see it as a cohesive whole and everything falls into place, yet I find myself struggling.  Also, I've decided I need to read one of the Thackeray novels I've somehow overlooked (all whopping 720 pages of it) in the next to days to incorporate a fascinating character... Having created a day by day breakdown of what needs to be accomplished by Aug. 31 to submit this chapter before September (thus leaving myself two weeks for editing) I'm trying to remain positive, but all of those middle-school anxieties and self-doubts persist.  But admittedly, I see the light at the end of the tunnel and am reminded of Tom Hank's quote in  A League of Their Own: "If it was easy everyone would do it" and my dad's comment "You don't have to be a genius to get your PhD, it's about diligence.  I actually know a lot of stupid people with PhDs..." or something to that regard ;-)  More soon...

Chapter 3: A Deadline and a Schedule

Well, peeps, I'm finally working on Chapter 3...or something similar to working. After I struggled for a while to get this chapter started, I decided one day to just pick a thing and start working on that. So far I have rewatched West Side Story and reread Lorraine Hansberry's A Raisin in the Sun. At the moment I am reading Hansberry's informal autobiography, To Be Young, Gifted and Black, in search of leads for my chapter. In other words, I'm not sure what I'm looking for, but I continue to read in hopes that I'll find whatever I am looking for.

In other news, I put together a concise outline for my dissertation for the rest of the academic year. My goal is to be Dr. S by May 2012. I am two chapters in, and I have two more chapters left to write. I also have to work on the intro and a conclusion, but these sections don't worry me as much. Honestly, I think I could sit down and write half of the intro this weekend if I had to--operative phrase being "HAD TO." When my advisor saw I planned to hand in my draft of chapter 3 at the end of September, she suggested I be more ambitious and submit it at the end of August. I'm too proud to back off from a challenge, so I agreed to September 3rd. That's the date.

Of course, after I emailed her that date, I panicked. Now I have to write it before September 3rd! Because I work best with deadlines and guidelines, I put together a mini-schedule.

The physical process of me trying to figure out how to write a dissertation chapter in 7 weeks.

This looks a lot better...

Last week was Week 1 of my schedule. During Week 1 I was supposed to put together a work plan and do some research (aside from the writing and reading that are supposed to happen anyway). I have yet to dive head first into the research. I'm not sure why I'm postponing it (does looking for one book in my library's database count?), but it's Week 2 of my fantabulous schedule and no research yet.

Frankly, I'm having trouble focusing and staying on track. I think part of the problem is that I'm not sure what I want to say yet. I have written plenty of ideas, things that I could delve into about both texts: Cold War urban politics, violence against minorities in cities, white flight to the suburbs, Broadway...I know, I know: wasn't I supposed to be looking only at New York City in my dissertation? Yup. But I feel that Hansberry's play is crucial to this conversation about urban space and home, even if I am focusing on New York City in my dissertation. And even though West Side Story is not written by Puerto Ricans, it represented Puerto Ricans in urban space and propelled these representations to a mainstream audience.

So where do I go from there? Sometimes I feel like I don't have a clear focus yet. Other times I feel like I shouldn't even be writing about these texts and I should just start over. (I have written and presented on West Side Story before. It's something I can talk about at length. But for some reason I feel like I am at a loss for words right now.) So I come here to share my ideas and get feedback. I need a sounding board for the thoughts inside my head...

My bigger problem is that I am worn out and feeling more and more anxious every day. Instead of moving my chapter forward, my daily writing just reminds me of how aimless I feel and how I have no clue where this is going. My writing so far has consisted in me talking out ideas and questions I have, but nothing that I could use to start writing chapter 3. Also, I'm starting to feel constrained by the research. I'm avoiding doing the research because I don't know where to go. I am avoiding the writing because I haven't done much research. It's a vicious cycle, as you can see.

I'm hoping by this time next week I am in a better place and that the gears are in motion. So far I've had two suggestions offered to me (both via Twitter):

1) Just sit down and write the chapter (or at least a bulk of it). Do research and insert quotations AFTER you write. (via my tweep @readywriting)

2) Take a short break from dissertation work (a few days? a week?) to stop feeling anxious and reboot my energy level. My tweeps @jovanevery and @escapeivrytower suggested I don't see this break as me being lazy but rather me recharging my batteries.

(Thank you, ladies!)

At any rate, I'm hoping to finish reading Hansberry's autobiography this week and write an abstract of what I think my chapter is going to do. I'm hoping it helps me decide once and for all what direction I'll be taking this chapter in, before I take my break from dissertation work.

Any other suggestions, dear readers? Am I the only one who gets anxious when starting a new chapter? How do you tackle the writing? What's your writing process like?

A Journey into July…

End of June**

We’re officially homeless, well almost.  After the harrowing ordeal in which Craig’s apartment was robbed while he was sleeping, he’s remained uneasy about residing in South Philly.  Last week, he arrived home late and parked his car several blocks away (as his street was packed).  Sometime between midnight and 7am, kids threw a brick through the side window of the Prius and stole 3 books of CDs; we’re assuming it was kids as the thieves didn’t bother to explore the armrest compartment which contained money, our GPS, etc.  The bad news, the CD cases included both of our combined collections from high school and college (though, as per our music savvy friends, this assortment is no major artistic loss) and more importantly, the mixes I’d sent to Craig in Iraq.  The good news: insurance is covering everything and I’m guessing the adolescent robbers will not be congratulating themselves on their new collection of Tori Amos, Dave Matthews, and 90’s country music!

On a happier note, our generous friends, A&M, who are currently travelling Asia this summer, are allowing us to temporally make their lovely house our home base when we’re in the Philadelphia area.  Sometime in August we’ll rent our own place, if we ever find one with two decent sized bedrooms and a tolerance for furry, four-legged children.   Also, I have two adjuncting positions, so I feel reenergized knowing there I’ll soon be returning to the classroom and my destiny is not being forever tied to this laptop and a towering stack of stale books!

As for writing, it ain’t easy! Even with all of this time to dedicate to the project, I find myself over-thinking and re-thinking, typing and deleting, way more than I should.  I spent the past few weeks still fine-tuning the critical frame after my adviser exposed its weaknesses.  Ten books and eighty pages of notes later, I think it’s finally congealing. First, I need to craft an intro that properly acknowledges the work of critics who have tread this cerebral path before: revisit Said’s explanation of how the Western colonizers (England & France) defined themselves against the Orient and romanticized and exocitized it countries and their natives (what makes Thackeray so fascinating is how acutely aware he was of this typically absurd romanticization and repeatedly pointed this out in his satire).  Secondly, I need to consider the ideas put forth by more recent critics such as Amanda Anderson, Ann Stoler, Benedict Anderson, Ian Baucom, etc. and to explain how they perceive the nineteenth-century English struggling to define themselves and justify their empire, to categorize other nationalities, creeds and races and to figure out how to make the incongruent groups, spread across continents, somehow fit neatly beneath one British flag.  What makes Thackeray so remarkable is that he doesn’t try to justify, condemn or explain empire, but rather points out its absurdities and simply navigates himself out of the way of controversy.  What until you hear how he handled the issue of slavery while lecturing in the United States…

 All in all, with this new approach, I can successfully revamp Chapters 1 & 2, and complete 3 in the coming week(s).  The goal is to begin Ch 4 by July 14^th.  I’m sure you see that deadlines keep getting pushed back, but the feedback I’ve received on Chapters 1 & 2 from academic folks I deeply admire has been positive and uplifting, so I must be doing something right!

JULY 4^th***

We have a home! We’ll be living in Blue, Bell, PA, about 30 minutes north of Center City (all depending on 76’s day to day mood of course) and we move in on August 1.  Craig (and an amazing group of UPenn grads) moved the last of his items out of South Philly yesterday.  Craig seems much more relaxed these days, no longer wondering what is going to be stolen next…

This 4^th of July I’m comfortably working at A & M’s house and this evening we’ll scout out some local fireworks.   Tomorrow I sit in on Craig’s final speech for his summer graduate course at U-Penn.  For his final talk, his instructions were to discuss someone or something inspirational, and we co-created a pretty miraculous speech about our dog Blue—his resilience, persistent and devotion.  Blue and I will of course be in attendance.  After that, the pup and I head back to the lake for at least two weeks of solitary writing (save a trip or two to the Binghamton library) and I hope to bring this project much nearer to its end.  I've recently had the chance to reconnect with friends in the area and feel ready to for another hefty dose of productive isolation.  Here's to positive thinking…

One chapter ends, another begins

Dear readers:

Last Monday I submitted a draft of Chapter 2 to my advisor. I have to say, this went better than when I submitted a revised version of Chapter 1 earlier this year. There was no crying (but crying is ok), there was no hurrying to write at the last minute (although adding stuff at the last minute is ok too), there was no frustration about the finished product (ok, maybe a little, but not nearly as bad as with the last chapter). Although Chapter 2 still needs some work, I think it was a more articulate attempt at a dissertation chapter. I felt good about the finished product, even though I knew I still had work to do. I said what I needed to say, whereas with Chapter 1 there was so much I didn't do but wanted to do.

What made this chapter different? For starters, I wrote a lot during the whole process. I didn't write every day but I wrote almost every day. I didn't just write to put down my ideas on paper: I wrote to vent, I wrote to flesh out ideas, I wrote to figure things out. In the end, the focus of this chapter were my ideas. I wasn't overwhelmed by all the reading I did. In fact, I think I spent more time writing my ideas than reading criticism. This is something I want to adjust slightly for Chapter 3, but only slightly. Whereas before (when I started on my dissertation), I felt unsure because I thought I hadn't read enough, I was somewhat comfortable with not reading all of the PDFs in my Dropbox. Does this happen to any other dissertators?

The other thing that made this chapter different was I took time to edit. Two of my tweeps offered to read my very rough draft two weeks before my deadline. This gave me time to go through the chapter and tidy it up too. Their feedback was very helpful. it was also great to hear that, despite how rough it was, they were able to read it and understand what my big argument was. Pats on the back for me. :)

This week has been a break of sorts. I did take some time to do some freewriting and clean out my desk, but I haven't really done much. The past two days I haven't done anything about the dissertation, and I only cleaned out my desk today. I vowed I would keep up my routine and do something dissertation-related every day, but I think I really needed the mental break. However, I'm having trouble getting started again. I know I'm writing on West Side Story and Lorraine Hansberry's A Raisin in the Sun, but other than that I am stuck. With Chapter 2 it was easier to get started because I had already done some work when I ended Chapter 1. But here I am starting fresh. (I did write a conference paper on West Side Story for the Puerto Rican Studies Association conference a few years back, so that might be where this chapter starts.)

So instead of beating myself up about my so-called laziness, I am tossing the question out there: how do you start a new chapter? where do you begin?

To Buffalo and Back Again

So with my laptop precariously balanced on my knees, I’m on the swing on the bank of the lake, drinking my late grandmother’s staple brand of fruit punch, pleading with Blue to stop eating grass—overall utterly relaxed and indulging in waves of nostalgia.   After a vibrant week with family members in Erie and sharing in the wedding of dear friends’ in Buffalo, it’s disheartening to leave everyone, knowing I won’t see them for quite sometime. But I still feel welcomed by the quiet and the gentle routine here at the cottage.  I have so much to accomplish in the coming weeks, and while it won’t always be exciting, and at times even dull, I’m totally resigned to it, even mildly pumped.

Where to start with what’s taken place over the past week and a half? Last Wednesday Craig and I hosted a lunch for my adviser (who left Binghamton University for UT a year or two ago).  I was shocked and delighted that our group would make the trek to the cottage from Binghamton—40 minutes replete with multiple twists and turns down dirt roads.  Also, it was downright fortuitous that the faculty members who could attend made up my dissertation committee and the one fellow grad-student, who made it, Angela, is a close friend I hadn’t seen in nearly 2 years!  Overall a downright delightful day!

What else to relate? Realizations from the past week? Buffalo would be an incredible city, I’d seriously consider moving there right now, if it weren’t so obviously dying—I’ve never seen so many boarded up storefronts since my last viewing of a Clint Eastwood Western.  But it’s still very much alive in terms of culture and youthful energy—Laura and Dan’s wedding at the colonial-esque library was an inspired venue and the sheer joy and enthusiasm in the room spoke to both their characters and the impact they have on those around them.  The Pearl Brewery, where the reception was held, put most Philly venues to shame in terms of atmosphere and beer selection.  Also, I can’t remember being to utterly happy, simply enjoying the company of friends and family.  My brother’s best man speech deserves immediate Youtube status for both heartfelt sentiment and humor (who else would chime in with an Adam Sandler-esque song, with guitar accompaniment, halfway through?) Craig and I were repeatedly (though playfully) berated for our cheesey and enthusiastic dancing, which of course only inspired him to lay on the fancy footwork—in short, all was at it should have been.

                The next day Craig literally dragged me from the hotel to our friend Jes’s apartment (before a Binghamton friends-reunion picnic was to take place that afternoon) and she not only took mercy on nauseated misery, but magically cured my hangover with unknown hippy remedies! Ally and Chief generously agreed to congregate at Jess’s and it was one of the most pleasant afternoons I’ve spent in years—reminiscing, playing with their adorable daughter Coraline and fully embracing the spirited, drama-free, grown-up friendships that miraculously blossom in your 30s, one part I truly don’t mind about getting older…

But back to the dissertation stuff---FLASHBACK---after the luncheon here at the lake I sat down one on one with my adviser, and overall, she seemed enthusiastic about Chapters 1 & 2; though she gently pointed out my theoretical frame is lacking.  I don’t need to start over my any means, but rather fine tune what I want to say, especially since my overall focus seems to be on Empire and challenging postcolonial readings of Thackeray rather than exploring his conception of nineteenth-century English-ness in an increasingly cosmopolitan society.  Thus, I need to brush up on the theoretical conversation regarding British Empire and place myself within it.  I've gathered copies of Said, Spivak, McClintock, Stoler, and Pratt (despite the diabolical efforts of other grad students who thoughtlessly hoarded these books in their carols without checking them out!) and will be taking notes and annotating for the next week. 

The most positive news: with my focus on Empire being so central and my chapters being so thorough, my chapter on France is out! Thus I only have to write four chapters!! With one and two done, and three started, I’m well over half way there.  As long as I meet my deadlines and revamp 1 & 2 in the next two weeks,  submit CH 3 by the end of June, and then Ch 4 at the end of the July, leaving August for formatting and writing an intro … I can officially be Dr. Ray (or “Dr. Dre” as Craig has affectionately dubbed it) by October, which is simply surreal! 

But I’ve babbled too long and should return to dear Thackeray—we’ve been estranged for nearly a week as I decided I was on vacation right along with Kyle and Jacqueline.  Though it should be noted that they were enjoying a well-deserved week away from their IT positions while I was simply indulging in my unemployed status… Speaking of which! A great adjuncting job has produced itself at a university I’m very excited to teach at in the Philly area, so things are looking hopeful for fall 2011!

Congrats again to Dan & Laura, hugs to my brother and my enchanting almost-sister-in-law, and thanks to my folks who always make it so comfortable that it’s hard to leave! Back to work, and more to come!

Just Do It.

Now that grades are in and I am no longer teaching, I can finally focus on finishing Chapter 2. It's a relief, to say the least. I can put aside my dissertation guilt and get to work. As I was finishing with grades, all I could think about was, I need to get back to work! I have a deadline coming up! So many ideas! So many ideas! But once I sat down to work on Saturday, nothing came out.

Maybe it was the burnout of the semester that took over. I tried to sit down and freewrite, so I ended up thinking about organization of the chapter (something I haven't really thought about). That didn't really get me anywhere, for how can I organize a chapter if I haven't put down my thoughts on paper? What do you organize when you have little to organize?

I stepped away from my work and decided to get back to it on Monday. (I try not to write on Sundays to take a break from the dissertation. However, I don't think it counts as a break when I'm constantly thinking about the dissertation. Ugh, dissertation guilt!) On Sunday I did some reading and planned my dissertation work for Monday.

Once Monday morning rolled around, I was eager to sit down. But my plans did not pan out. There was plenty of craziness Monday (including an unplanned trip to my ex-school to fetch some student records only to find that the office was closed), and what I ended up doing was just jotting down ideas that were swarming my head. As a result, I went into panic mode: I'm supposed to be writing, not scribbling ideas!

I have to admit: I am fretting over this chapter, a little too much considering the amount I've already written. I think I'm obsessing over my advisor's comments for the last chapter: this needs a lot of editing and you need to take time to do that. It's the little voice inside my head. I know I should just file it and move on, but I haven't.

On Tuesday, I was catching up with Susan, and she gave me a piece of advice: to paraphrase, she told me I should just write everything down, not worry about incorporating the criticism. Just do it. Although I've done this in the past (and it's the kind of advice I give my students when they don't know what to write), I don't know why it didn't click for me. Of course, why not write it down? Ugh!

This makes me think that, as a writer and as a writing instructor (ex-writing instructor), I sure have forgotten about the basics of putting your ideas down on paper. Isn't a dissertation just another written text? Sure, it's a genre in itself. Sure, it poses challenges unlike other kinds of writing. But in the end, it's writing, right? So why am I so afraid of writing?